They can’t fool me… Azrael is the name of a cat. But maybe this flick has a deep backstory where Smurf-loving parents named their first born daughter after an evil cat? Maybe… but that assumes this frickin’ movie has a backstory of any kind. Or characters. Or human frickin’ beings. Or, you know, dialog and something hand-wavingly called exposition.

Azrael takes place after the rapture, or so the text says <shrug>. Azrael is the name the credits give Samara Weaving so we’ll go with that. Nobody calls her that because nobody speaks in this movie… for reasons. She wanders around in the woods getting kidnapped by crazy cultists a lot.

I really hated this movie because it explains nothing and gives me no reason to give a shit about anyone. It’s not the first movie to go silent but those other movies had something called visual storytelling. This movie dos not have that. I have no idea what anyone wants… except to “not die”. I guess the baddies want to sacrifice her to burn victim zombie demons or something… and I get the motivation to not want to be torn into little tiny pieces by burn victim zombies. I guess.

But why is there so little plot or motivation? Why should I care? The answer is, I don’t. Sure, the burn victim zombie demons are creepy and they chew people up good, but who cares? I don’t care. Not sure anyone in the movie cares because motivation is a fantasy and narrative is a rumor.

I was so bored because I didn’t care (did I mention I didn’t care?). Why does she keep coming back to the cult? Maybe to rescue a friend but its pretty clear he’s not there, right? Something to do with the church? But what? There’s a moment where they seem to think they are clarifying things by showing murky pictures and a hole in the wall? A very important hole in the wall… they show it a lot. Maybe I’m dumb and missed the point? I dunno.

The very very very end showed a tiny bit of bullshit promise so I’m giving the flick a slight rating boost for finally demonstrating an idea. Burn victim zombie demons need love too? Or have love to give? I dunno… look, a halo suddenly! Is that what this movie was about? I should call bullshit but, hey, there’s that and some pretty good meaty chunky chunk gore… so…? Maybe bonus credit to Samara Weaving having to run around the woods a lot?

I feel like I’m betraying myself by giving it an extra half star based on how insanely bored I was sitting alone in the theater. But fine. Whatever. Moving on.

Score: 57