Well, time for a dad movie. After good turkey and bad beans, what else am I gonna do? Watch a football game? Spoiler alert: I should have watched a football game. Or, really, any game with balls and feet.

Armor is about an armored car security team who come under attack by professional crooks on a bridge in a town with no cops. Like… an incomprehensible total lack of police. The van flips on its side and they are trapped inside while the baddies try to break in.

Jason Patrick plays the lead and I had a hard time seeing a Lost Boy (or a Speed 2) in him any longer (time is the crucible in which we burn). His partner is played by an actor named Josh Wiggins… who looks so much like a young Christian Slater, I decided Wikipedia was lying for claiming otherwise. And Sylvester Stallone is the bored lead bad guy (and, once again, time is the crucible in which we burn).

After a start that showed potential, as soon as the van flips, the film turns into a slog. I call this an action film but only in the sense it’s not a thriller because there’s nothing thrilling about watching bad guys unable to get into a van while the good guys hang out inside. Even the movie knows it’s boring when it shows us an unnecessary tragic back story… but, hell, anything to get out of the van, I guess.

And… seriously, where were the cops in this protracted siege on a bridge across a major waterway with houses and buildings in the visible distance? I know action flicks have to exist in a world without cops, but this was ridiculous.

Anyhow, there’s very little this flick does that’s interesting or exciting. The only thing it has going for it is that it’s well shot with a scenic backdrop. And I guess it’s nice to see Stallone keep picking up those paychecks.

Score: 57