I apologize in advance for this review of Sneaks. Not because I had a hand in making the film and not because of the raw text of this review. But for implanting the mind virus that this film exists at all. You’d have been better off having already wiped it from your memory. My apologies. I’ve incepted you… please watch Toy Story immediately to erase it. Hell, watch Cars. And I hate Cars.

So Sneaks posits a world where shoes are alive… and, on top that, the left and right shoe each has a distinct personality. That’s just wrong. A teenage kid wins a pair of superfly sneaks in a contest and an evil collector / sneakerhead wants to steal them.

This film is bad… not just because its a bad story but because its ugly and cheaply animated. And not just because the models are simplistic and ugly and not because talking shoes are hard to personify, especially when they open their toes and talk, making me think they have are warn down and ratty. It’s poorly animated since sometimes it feels like they are animating similar to the Spiderverse films, and other times they aren’t. I’d say it was a style choice but the film looks like it was made with 50 bucks and hope so I doubt it was intentional.

It’s possible sneakerheads might get something out of its jokes, themes, and references. That I find it abundantly unfunny and dull because I don’t love sneakers. But I kind of doubt it… I think it’s just a bad movie with corny, unfunny jokes. The only thing I find amusing is that there’s a trio of sneakers hanging from powerlines who act like a Greek chorus. That’s kind of clever. Also, I confess to smiling slightly at a couple of the jokes.

But everything else was borderline unwatchable and terribly paced. It’s bad enough to rue the day Toy Story was released. And Cars. And even The Emoji Movie. And, randomly, Norm of the North. But, hey, maybe sneakerheads will appreciate it… if they’ve ever even heard of it. I have doubts.

Score: 54