That moment when you start a movie and realize you’ve made a grave error in judgement. Alone at Night (spoiler: she’s rarely alone at night) is a terrible, no good rotten stab (hah) at a slasher thriller mystery thing.

This’ll be familiar… during Covid lockdown, a woman shelters in a cabin… in the woods. She’s a cam-girl so we get random inserted sexy time on laptops and also a Paris Hilton (?!) hosted reality show that’s about as dumb as the reality shows its satirizing. Why? Because we have to fill the runtime. Anyhow, there’s a Crowbar killer out there and a ton of red herring hot dudes who drop by her house. And Pamela Anderson as the local sheriff, for the same reason Paris Hilton shows up, I guess.

This is stultifying, boring, mediocre, badly filmed, and it came into my yard and kicked my puppy. I think I hated every second of this trash and trashy film that didn’t even have the common courtesy of having decent or interesting kills. Or an intriguing mystery or any particular reason to care about the character and whether she get crowbar killed… or any other kind of killed.

If you want to watch a movie about people sheltering-in-place during Covid (and who wouldn’t?) watch the infinitely superior Sick. Or, hell, the suddenly-looks-dcent-in-comparison Fear. Or if you want a non-covid related movie about people being terrorized in a cabin, Knock at the Cabin. Or Cabin in the Woods. Or any given Evil Dead movie. Or Cabin in the Woods. Or Cabin Fever. Or this fungus I have growing on my right toe (if we were alone in a cabin).

Guess you could say I didn’t care for this movie.

Score: 52