Alone in the Dark is somehow feels like watching three hours of a 90 minute movie. It’s one of the biggest piles of garbage that Christian Slater ever found after falling out a NYC window into a garbage bin.

Not sure what it had to do with Alone in the Dark – what with the turgid, mind-numbing military combat that wasn’t at all dead-lifted from the Aliens film editing flubs. Nobody was alone, that’s for sure – unless by alone, we mean the existential crisis one goes through while firing in the entirely wrong direction at CGI aliens that don’t look anything like the ones in Aliens while your buddies also fire in other wrong directions…. you know, metaphorically alone since, you know, in the end we are all alone in our mind…

Pardon me, while I go puke the steaming armpit cheese that accumulated in my raw and burning throat while watching this scabby pile of hell.

If I see the director of the film one day, I’m going to punch him in the neck.

Score: 44