The mind boggles, but there are over thirty movies in the Amityville series (though only eight in the original official franchise) and most of the recent ones look… suspect. I’ve only seen about ten of these things so maybe I’m being Judgey McJudgerson. But, come on… this one’s called Amityville Uprising. With a name like that, how could you go right?!

I suspected cheese. I suspected American cheese would drip down my tv screen like orange blood oozing out a wall. I was hoping for a dumb fun time. I mean, the description sounds like a knock-off of Resident Evil 2 (or Resident Evil: Welcome to Racoon City if you’re nasty). After a chemical explosion at a military base turns the citizens into zombies, The Amityville police station comes under attack. Would Leon S. Kennedy pick up the white courtesy phone?

I sat down with it hoping for a Z grade good time… and sometimes the movie seemed to deliver some knowing winks. Deliberately (I hope) cheesy news reports, a reference to problems at a Pittsburgh cemetery, and a gleefully maniacal prisoner all suggest a fun dollop of cheese. But no, this is just rotten, moldy “cheese touch” levels of humdrum.

Sadly, this is a just a bad movie that’s bad at being a bad movie. What are we even doing here? The opening CGI explosion and CGI rain is so laughable, they couldn’t follow-through with some good goony zombie splattery corniness? No, this was just… uneventful. So little happens and, when the zombies do occasionally grace the screen, it’s just not fun, funny, scary, or even particularly gory.

I mean… where was the uprising even? This made the tiny crowd of zombies in the new Resident Evil movie look like a Michael Jackson dance-off in comparison. You come for the cheese, you get empty calories and about three zombies… until the last minute of the film where we get an artistic fade to black? No, movie. No.

On top of terrible editing, dubious continuity, mediocre acting, and bad directing, this is just your bog standard turkey. Not bad in all the right ways, not cheesy in the best cheesetastic ways. This was a waste of the minimal effort it took to make.

Score: 52