So I went to see the new film version of the Broadway play Cats. This movie’s trailer caused no small amount of consternation on the Internet when it released, and deservedly so. Sometimes the Internet as a hive-mind over-reacts to memes… but not this time. But I went into the movie hoping the weird cat effects would normalize and I would be able to appreciate the movie. Well… no not really… but that’s in no small way on account of the story being deeply boring on top of the visual effects.
So Cats is based on the stage play about singing and dancing cats who want to ascend to… well… some other life, I guess (nobody really seems to know). They are Jellicle cats (?!?) based on a series of nonsense cat poems by TS Eliot. The play doesn’t have much of a plot… it’s basically just us being introduced to cat after cat after cat with each singing about who or what they are. To be fair, the movie does turn one of the cats into an audience surrogate who is, herself, new to the cat dance crew. Plus they add some nefarious motivation to one of the bad cats, thus giving the movie a tiny hint of suspense or drama (don’t quote me on these changes, it’s my understanding based on reviews they are new).
Unfortunately, the movie is dreadfully boring. This probably works on stage because you are busy watching live theater performers sing and dance in obvious cat makeup and costumes. On screen, that’s just not enough and, unless you are totally in love with these songs, there’s nothing to draw you into the story of the film. It’s jut one cat after another, one cat song after another. I gather that many stage critics and fans really don’t like the stage play (as I’ve found out in the reviews of this movie) and yet it’s one of the longest running plays on Broadway. So go figure.
They got an eclectic cast for this film… even if sometimes I’d say to myself, “Oh Ian McKellen… they dragged you into this too?” The film includes Idris Elba (bad cat), Taylor Swift (sexy bad cat), Jennifer Hudson (Memories cat), James Corden (fat cat), Judi Densch (Deutertomy cat), Rebel Wilson (other fat cat), Jason Derulo (Rum Tum Tug cat?!?), and more. The nominal lead is film newcomer Francesca Hayward as the white cat/new cat. She’s a classically trained ballet dancer and her performance here is very lovely… when not being distracted by her appearance.
Because regardless of story and cast, the biggest cinematic crime and confounding set of decisions in movie history are the really freakin’ off-putting, disturbing cat visual effects. The performers no doubt danced and sang their hearts out against a green screen while wearing motion capture suits. The director and the FX team then added fur to their bodies, removed their human ears and replacing them with cat ears on top of their heads, and added energetic tales. They also largely desexualized them… which is probably for the best but it becomes weirdly and creepily distracting. These animals have nothing between their legs… and you might think that’s fine and all but there are a lot of ballet and similar dance moves that show off their nether regions. And there’s nothing there. Again, good, I guess… but… well… it’s just weird. Plus they have no cat-ass and we all know cats have cat-ass… On the other hand, some of the cats have two very human breasts and that’s just… what am I looking at?!? Ack!!!
While watching these disconcerting cat people, I realized I was literally curling my lips in disgust. I don’t think I’ve ever actually done that before… but there is just something so incredibly off-putting about these performers. They aren’t quite human, except their faces, their hands, and their feet… though sometimes they wear shoes and sometimes they don’t. Other cats wear clothes, some do not. When Idris Elba cat takes off his actual fur (?!!!?) coat, his cat coat is the same color as his human face and you realize you’re kind of looking at a very large naked man… with fur. Taylor swift is also subjected to a similar treatment. And, for whatever reason, there’s one male actor who’s face is just always wrong… maybe his cat head is too small for his human face or something. I kept staring at him throughout the entire film, wondering what was WRONG… never could quite figure it out.
I could go on but I’m sure it’d get dull. I just never quite got used to the decision they made in depicting the cats. It’s just so incredibly wrong-headed that I can’t imagine why nobody on the production team, FX team, or studios pointed out how incredibly off-putting these decisions were. Or why nobody looked at the Internet freaking out and wondered if it was more than just over-reaction. But, of course, by that time they’d already spend over a hundred million dollars on these cat-like things so no chance of pulling out of this one.
Now, as to the song and dance. I’m sure some of the songs are sung well but most were dull and repetitive. I saw this play once on Broadway in high school and I remember liking it for the tunes. But either I don’t remember them or these are variations on the originals (probably the former). I did enjoy the one about the magician cat and, of course, Memories, as sung by Jennifer Hudson. Her rendition is, shall we say, sung to the back row but is also acted to the rafters and includes not a small amount of crying and snot. I’m not a superfan of the song and I know it’s a big one, but it kind of felt overkill.
So on top of all the creepy look of the film, the movie is extremely dull and I certainly can’t recommend it. There’s part of me that says “See it” just to laugh at the decisions made, but my extreme boredom makes me want to tell you to avoid it. If you are a fan of the play and its songs, maybe you’ll be able to power through the weird and have fun. But for me, this is one of the biggest misfires of the year.
Score: 56