Dario Argento, famed (I suppose) Italian horror director went and made a new Dracula movie… it more-or-less kinda-sorta follows the plot of the book and stars no one in particular except a very bored Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing and some dude who looks curiously like Keanu Reeves playing Harker (who Reeves played in Bram Stoker’s Dracula)…. oh, and the world’s least scary, least, creepy, least sexy, and most bored Dracula ever.

The movie might be an intentional throwback to 60s horror… or maybe it’s incompetent. I couldn’t tell. The sets are cheap, the lighting is garish, and the visual FX would be contemptible if they weren’t so funny. And the random T&A is random.

I guess this movie is also in 3D but I saw it on digital streaming so I was saved from that nightmare. I think the movie used a theramin in the soundtrack too…

You know, despite how bad it often was from a production level, acting level, FX level, writing level… it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Faint praise, indeed… but I wasn’t actually bored watching it. I laughed occasionally. I’m just not sure I was supposed to.

Score: 56