It took me quite awhile to figure out what this movie even was. It was just… weird. Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas appear to be divorced or at least separated by the way she comes onto other men… only they live together, but sleep in separate beds… And he loves snails. Snail. Snails. Snails. Snails! Because every man has to have a hobby? oh wait… they are still married?

So, yeah, Affleck and de Armas play an unlikely married couple… she’s constantly horny and wants to seduce ALL the men. He’s reserved, quiet… seems like he’s been cuckolded but maybe this is his choice. Maybe he’s actually a seething bottle of rage… maybe he’s killing his wife’s lovers (or potential lovers)? Maybe this is just one messed up marriage?

My biggest problem with this movie is also one of its strengths. Not a single person in this movie acts like a regular, believable human being. For Affleck and de Armis, that’s a net positive… they create (especially Affleck) highly singular characters. They aren’t playing stock Hollywood formula here. And yet, all their friends and their daughter never once act like a living breathing human being. It has this massive artifice to it… like, why don’t their friends and the wife’s potential lovers behave more weirded out by this toxic relationship? That’d be a deal breaker for any hang outs or parties, if you ask me.

But what Affleck and de Armis are doing is still interesting. They are really great, especially Affleck’s quiet stewing rage and mild occasional smirk. They made me wonder what kind of movie this was… is this Gone Girl? Is this Fatal Attraction? Basic Instinct? Hell, is it even an erotic thriller at all… it’s a little sexual at times but never all that dirty, filthy, or tawdry. It’s almost too art house to wallow in the mud.

I was hoping for some major revelations at the end but came away with only mild suppositions. I think I know what was ultimately going on, but I’m not sure. And since the movie never really goes over the top or provides major catharsis or tragedy, I shut it off thinking to myself “Ok… what was that really about now?”

Minor spoiler, I guess… but what’s up with the snails? I was thinking, after a particular line of dialog, these were Chekhov’s Snails… but no.

It’s an interesting flick that has qualities but ultimately winds up empty. You came maybe for the chocolate chip deluxe cookies and you got oatmeal. Bland, boring, but still slightly unhealthy oatmeal. Except for Affleck and de Armas who act the hell out of it and create very interesting, unique characters. Let’s call them Snickerdoodles.

Score: 73