Uwe Boll?!!? Didn’t he retire a few years ago? But he’s back and not directing another video game adaptation. I watched First Shift out of morbid curiosity: had the auteur of classics like BloodRayne and Alone in the Dark found a new rebirth of artistry or would it be another riotous shit show? And the answer is… yes?

First Shift is the limp microwaved French Fries of first day on the job cop films. In this case, a flibbertigibbet rookie female detective and a stereotypical lone wolf cop are partnered up. They roam the streets of NYC while crimes and dogs happen around them.

The flick spends a surprising amount of time letting our Dingbat Detective and Hard Boiled Cop bond. He’s surly and hates humans and she never saw a rainbow she didn’t want to hug. They make for a weird, borderline cringe pairing… but also oddly nuanced given the bad script. Their dialog is too try-hard quirky but the characters show either grit or tenderness when least expected. It’s almost… good?

Too bad the rest of the movie doesn’t know what to do with itself. Random shit just happens randomly, some of which has nothing to do with our buddy cops. Half way through the movie, some gangsters execute a dude… and also an old man has a heart attack, leaving his dog stranded on the streets. One of these two plots intercepts with the cops and it’s not the one they get paid to investigate. Yes, the movie suddenly turns into Turner and Hooch.

The execution plotline? No impact on the rest of the movie at all. I dunno why it’s here… and the same is true with other subplots. The film is aimless and directionless as if an alien saw a cop movie one day and figured he could write one too.

On the other hand, the flick ends abruptly with the promise of a part 2. I rolled my eyes. Sure buddy, ain’t gonna happen. And then I remembered Uwe Boll made three BloodRayne movies AND a Bluberella (which borrowed costumes and props from the third movie). Odds are favor of an Uwe Boll Cinematic Buddy Cop Universe. Ooh baby.

I kind of want to give this flick a slightly higher score just because the buddy cops were actually sometimes interesting. But that’d just be giving Boll credit for doing the bare minimum. The unsurprising truth is, the flick kind of sucks but not in the way his movies usually suck. Which is damning with faint praise. It’s bad… but he’s made worse.

Score: 63