Based on historical events, Medieval is set during a schism in the Catholic church were there was one pope in The Vatican and another in France. The plot is kind of about getting the king of Bohemia to Rome so he can be crowned emperor… but really it’s about a lot of filthy savages running around the same five mile stretch of European forest, each with murky allegiances.

Yeah, I didn’t care about ANYTHING or ANYONE in this movie. I got lost early and never found my way back. I don’t think it was that convoluted… but I was never entirely sure which shitty bunch of dirty, grungy murder hobos were on which side of the given conflict.

There’s a lot of tommyrot about kings and popes and none of it really matters because they don’t establish why it should. And none of the characters are developed (or likable) enough to care about either. It’s just a lot of noise and grit and hubbub about… something. I mean, half the movie is about possession of a princess and has nothing practical to do with popes or the succession of empire. And then a lion… because I guess that was important.

Half the cast are relative unknowns with beards and it’s hard to tell most of them apart. Ben Foster and his American accent at least is recognizably Ben Foster… and then Michael Caine shows up occasionally with his cockney accent (and using a cane, which is about all the amusement I got out of this flick). There’s a princess (technically a niece of the king) who shows up to be kidnaped (and moved to another castle, probably… sorry Mario).

I think the movie looks good at least, if you don’t mind everything being under-lit grey and black. I think they do a good job with the battles in their crude brutality. Probably pretty accurate weaponry and costumes? Maybe?

The end of the flick tells us that it’s dedicated to all those who have fought for freedom and screw you, movie. This movie wasn’t about freeeedom(!!!) or honor or anything of the sort. It was about moving a pawn across a chessboard so covered in filth, you can’t tell the white from the black squares.

I kind of hated this movie. I give it a tiny credit for looking exactly like the cesspit of history it was trying to look like. So three cheers for remembering the middle ages kind of sucked. Yippie.

Score: 58