When to see Noah, the biblical disaster movie about a homicidal, genocidal guy who builds an ark with the help of Transformers, defends it from an evil army of evil evil guys, and then gets depressed and hammered.

Transformers? Yes, fallen angels who are covered with rock who sometimes look like rocks and then SURPRISE they stand up and walk… and are animated like some of the more messed up Decepticons from the Michael Bay Transformers movies. These guys have a point thematically in the movie… their depiction just seems kind of nutty for the type of movie being told.

Homicidal, Genocidal? Yup – Noah is pretty much in it to save the animals… the human race (including himself and his family) are not worth saving…

I’m the last person likely to be offended by changes to the bible but even I was kind of off-put by the changes (it’s daring, I suppose, but religious people would be pissed and less religious people perplexed by the morality). And then there’s a throw-down fist-fight aboard the ark (hikiba! Noah is an ass-kicker). For me though, it was a problem on a script level and where to put your sympathies… but it was also a little about taking an old story and twisting it in such a way that it doesn’t really fit that story any longer. I credit the daring, but I’m not sure the ultimate goal… who is this moving trying to serve?

In many respects, the movie is trying to say something about the nature of faith and obedience to God… and say something about the Noah story itself. It’s a very Old Testament vengeful god and the movie does try to humanize Noah in such a way that it makes us question what kind of man would do the things he does (not speaking of the stuff added to the story, but the to the events of the story itself). I’m not sure it’s successful but it’s an interesting attempt to take on some source material in such a way that it asks questions. Again, though, I’m not sure who it’s trying to address these points to. True believers will be annoyed, atheists will think it’s all nonsense on a good day, and casual Christian will either shrug and say it’s all an allegory anyway or throw popcorn at the giant rock monsters.

All that said, it’s a very good looking movie that has some very striking, artistic imagery – as would make sense from director Darren Arrenofsky (Pi, The Fountain, and Requiem for a Dream). There’s some random and out of place jokes about berries and helpful hands… and some unintentionally chuckle-worthy moments… in a movie that is otherwise very very serious and dour. That sense of gloom is kind of put off kilter by just how gonzo the movie actually is. It treats itself so seriously yet it has 30 foot tall rock monsters… it’s kind of a hot mess that might just be a fun time at the theaters despite itself. If you can loosen up and enjoy it.

Me? I’m not sure I loosened up enough. I was never really bored but I was driven to mental distraction.

Score: 73