Nutcrackers is a drab, unconvincing Hulu Christmas film to the extent I’m seriously doubting it even IS a Christmas film. It’s got the bones of a good movie but the unconvincing storytelling of a mediocre one.

It stars Ben Stiller as the uncle and new caretaker of four kid brothers (who are actual brothers in real life too). Their parents have died and they run the filthy, degraded, bilge-pump of a roost… until Stiller comes into the picture. He’s only half interested in helping since he’s got his own life and doesn’t put much regard into his living, breathing nephews. Guess he’s gotta learn to be a better human being or something.

The film starts with an unconvincing scenario where a child care worker would hand off four kids living in absolute squalor to anyone… as opposed to relocating them immediately to a safe zone. But I guess that’s what makes it a comedy as Stiller tries to maneuver a pig and chicken infested household that would be immediately condemned and handed over to the fire department for practice.

The film is immediately tonally broken due to this scenario. I know it’s a comedy and I should go with it, but the serious indie style with its grey and brown atmosphere doesn’t feel like that kind of wacky comedy so much as a deep depression.

But that’s ok since I was never convinced Ben Stiller would ever come to even tolerate these children. And I was still unconvinced by his inevitable turn. But even up to that moment, he remained a cold, clueless Mr. Businessman. But three of the four kids didn’t convince me of anything either.

Also, the film’s whole Nutcracker finale didn’t feel earned either. It spends so little time showing us these kids can really do ballet, that it made me wonder why it even mattered in the first place. Congrats, they can do classical dance better than I can… but so what? They feel like a quad of actors with a very particular talent that they wrote an unrelated script around just to show off their skill in the final act.

I didn’t “get” this film… it didn’t convince me it was anything more than a wobbly indie comedy with a tenuous Christmas connection. Ben Stiller and the kids do a fine job as actors, but what they were asked to act in wasn’t convincing on almost any level.

Score: 73