Panama is simply a laughable, borderline incompetent snooze-fest. A generic, probably unintentional throwback action thriller that offers nothing new or interesting. In that it barely co-stars Mel Gibson borders on – and likely steps into – Bruce Willis incompetence territory.

The film is set in 1989 around the time of the US invasion of Panama. Cole Hauser plays an American agent sent down there to broker a deal that will help fund the Contras while setting up Panamanian president Noriega for a fall. Insert drugs, jungle shootouts, hot women, cocaine, and all the villainous S. American accents you could ask for or possibly want.

This film is fascinating for technically be competent and yet featuring awkward editing, awkward and abrupt scene transitions, laughable action, generic dialog, and more random boobs than you can shake an 80s flick at. The camera rarely, if ever, stands still and yet its faux cinema verite style feels manufactured. Back in the 80s, I had a friend who knew distressed jeans were cool so he cut perfectly square holes in his pants leg to prove he was just as cool. That’s what this movie feels like… a try-hard joke built on incompetence and cluelessness.

There are some laughable action scenes but very few… for which we should be thankful. I was legitimately embarrassed by proxy for the actors who had to run around an unconvincing jungle with M16s while one screams “Welcome to the Jungle” to the accompaniment of the most generic stock guitar riffs imaginable (no Guns, no Roses). And then he plays air guitar on his M16… and I wanted to hide under a blanket.

Which is par for the course for a lot of the film. It thinks it’s far cooler than it is… and it isn’t cool at all. Putting up with pointless motocross scenes through the muddy jungle is not cool. Tough guy talk and awkward and embarrassing repartee with a hot woman that ends with “let’s go to bed” is not cool. Nothing in this movie is cool… or fun… or interesting… or thrilling.

Stay away. Its modicum of competence and budget somehow make this worse than a dozen bad Bruce Willis geezer teasers. They try just enough that the fall to the bottom is startling.

Score: 57