I also – as an adult – voluntarily went alone to see The Playmobil movie (thanks god for AMC Stubs “free” tickets). I was going to skip this one despite my apparent – but unstated – decision to see most every major new release. It’s a movie based on a toy that all of us probably maybe kind of sort of maybe remember from when were five years old. But then I read a part of one review that didn’t like the movie but was amazed at how weird and chaotic it was… and then its weekend box office put it in the top 5 lowest earning opening weekends on over 2000 screens. So I kind of started to want to see it… to see if it’s that bad, that big a train-wreck… a so crazy it’s terrible but fascinating thing.
And it’s not. It’s just a bad movie. Just a very bad movie aimed at children and only children and I’m not sure they’d like it. Because do kids have Playmobil any more? I’m guessing it must still be a brand or they wouldn’t even have tried making a movie… but it’s also telling that every review I’ve seen of the movie asks that very same question. I know I had these toys when I was really young… I’m sure of it. But I could be confusing them with Weeble Wobbles. Who knows?
But anyway, the movie starts with a live action frame story starring Anya Taylor-Joy who is an actress I like. She’s super happy, planning a world-wide backpacking tour, and she sings a happy song with her little brother. And then the police knock on her door and tell her her parents are DEAD. Nice opener for a kiddie movie… but honestly while this movie was live action, I was kind of enjoying it.
But eventually the two leads get sucked into Playmobil land and he’s turned into a hulking viking with a bear and she looks like someone’s mom. The brother is kidnapped by the Roman Emperor to fight in the Colosseum and the girl has to join forces with a taco truck driver to steal secret spy plans with the help of a spy toy (played by Daniel Radcliffe), turn them over to a female Jaba the Hutt in a future city, etc. etc. etc.
Look, the Lego Movie did all this before and a lot better. This movie is a total “me too” attempt, hopping from playset to playset in a similar way but without any consistency or meaning. It’s just a lot of noise and flashing lights with very little charm, humor, or fun. Does Playmobil even has a pirate, roman, spy, or viking playset? Who knows? I’m not even sure the movie knows since there’s no charisma or interesting stuff about these super generic, charm-less toys.
No point to this movie… let it remain one of the worst openings of a movie ever. It’s a tired, repetitive, redundant, overly-long boring blob of a movie.
Score: 52