The Pyramid is a new movie at the theaters that you probably haven’t heard about…. I certainly hadn’t heard about it until it showed up at the theater this weekend and I see a disturbing number of movie trailers. No advertising at all? That’s confidence… opening in early December? That’s just weird.

The movie is set in 2013 as protesters and military clash in the streets of Cairo over the future of Egypt… and then they largely ignore the fact they hung their movie’s story on a real-life political and social upheaval so they could get on with their pseudo-found-footage movie about a bunch of idiots excavating a newly discovered pyramid. Nothing classier than borrowing very recent real world turmoil as a insignificant back drop for you dumb creature feature.

Anyhow, these supposed smart archaeologists and documentarians descend into the new pyramid and the movie turns into a dozen other movies just like it (only now with an Egyptian theme!). Stupid people in a maze of traps and monsters. This was done WAY better in The Descent and marginally better in the very recent As Above, So Below (set in the Paris catacombs).

This time, our venturous heroes are not fighting degenerative humanoid freaks or the legions of hell (or whatever As Above was about)… this time they are tormented by terrible CGI hairless cats. Yes. Cats. CGI cats. At first I thought they were over-sized hairless rats but I guess that would have been silly. No, these are normal sized, very ugly, very feral CGI cats. Because cats were important to ancient Egypt.

They are also terrorized by the literal god Anubis… or the terrible CGI version of the literal god Anubis… he of the jackal head who Temple-of-Dooms your heart out of your chest, weighs it, and then consumes your soul (or something). Bad Guy Anubis doesn’t show up for about an hour so until then, third rate Indiana Jones temple traps and the horror, the horror of angry kitties.

So cats and an 8 foot tall guy with a jackal head… one of these is more dangerous than the other. Too bad they didn’t tell the cast what the CGI creatures would look like as evidenced by the hilarious moment where the Final Girl is being chased by the 8 foot tall Anubis and is stopped short because she is confronted by five or six ugly CGI kitties the size of your house cat. What to do? What to do?

I know. Kick the cat, keeep running. There. I wrote a better screenplay. Where’s my mf’ing movie check?

Oh, I’ve gone and spoiled the movie for you. I’m so sorry.

Moving on.