Royalteen is a Netflix YA romance film where an “Average Girl” runs into the crown prince of Norway and they fall in love. But will her “Dark Past” ruin the relationship before it can even take off? Yawn. Huh? What were we talking about? <rubs sleep from eyes>

About the only really positive thing I can say about this flick is that this European prince didn’t poach an average-but-actually-beautiful American women (who probably runs a boutique bakery). There sure is a lot that going around. No, this movie keeps it Norwegian.

This flick is bland. You want your teen YA fantasy romances complete with the most average royal guy ever? Who lives the lifestyles of the apparently rich and kinda famous, I guess? You want her to have no noticeable personality traits except for the five minutes at the beginning where she sneers at the royals (and it takes about two minutes to change her mind once she meets Prince Charmless).

You know that point in any romance where you might roll your eyes at the plot or the dialog, but there’s something cute and charming about the two leads? Yeah, this movie doesn’t have that.

There is a surprise near the end of the movie that is half-way decent only because it subverts the very boring secret the film had been setting up. And that’s only good because the original Dark Past storyline was so aggressively high school I thought the Breakfast Club would show up and dance to an 80s hit. It doesn’t save the movie but at least it gives it teeth… or maybe just a single tooth (and not even a fang).

If you’ve even noticed this release, might as well keep doomscrolling past it to something infinitely better. It’s so aggressively bland and boring that it doesn’t rank the effort to even write this much about it.

Score: 62