Secret Headquarters is the kind of bad that makes me want to apologize to most modern blockbusters and Netflix originals for showing us what a bad superhero movie really looks like. But, then again, this is barely a superhero movie… this is more a throwback to kids-save-the-day movies… and those are owed an apology too.

Secret Headquarters theoretically stars Owen Wilson as discount Iron Man… but is really about how his thirteen year old son and his friends find his secret underground lair and make a mess of things. Jesse Williams and Michael Pena play baddies intent on stealing the tech for themselves. The kids fight back.

This cost-saving movie takes place in a dark and murky underground lair and a dark and murky gym. Location budget saved. The FX are minimal and the dark lighting hides how bad they might be. FX budget saved. Owen Wilson appears in less than a third of the movie. Acting budget saved.

To be fair, the movie looks pretty decent but I’ll chalk that up to the dark and murky image. The movie shows its cheapness and shoddy script elsewhere… like just telling us there’s a superhero buzzing around saving the day but never showing it. Hell, we barely have an idea of what kind of hero he is most of the time nor do we know if there are other heroes (or villains) out there. World-building even through expository dialog is a thing, movie. But you couldn’t even pull that off.

As a kids vs. Adults action/adventure sci-fi flick, it’s pretty bad but not the worst thing I’ve seen. But I was deeply bored and found the jokes desperate, charmless, and unoriginal. The action tame and underwhelming. A handful of the superhero tech ideas were pretty decent and the kid actors were alright, to be charitable and not a complete monster.

I pretty much found this flick insufferable, plodding, and dull. Its attention to budget-saving mediocrity did not impress. Owen Wilson is barely in the pic and, when he does show, it could have been Luke Wilson for all it matters. I really kind of hated this one.

Score: 58