Oh boy. Just… wow. I haven’t laughed this much at a movie that was trying to be serious since Keanu Reeves gifted us the cinematic masterpiece that was Replicas. The 2nd is a comically self-serious, macho-action-guy piece of hokum… and I almost respect it for its sheer goofball entertainment value. But, to be clear, I have great faith and confidence they were not trying to be funny. I’m sure of that. Like… 95% sure. Maybe 90%… I mean… you think you’re just watching a bad 80s action film throwback when BAM! the bad guy does or says something just weird enough you say, “Hey… wait… is this a comedy?”
So what is this all about? Ryan Phillipe and Casper Van Diem (oh boy… you know you’re in trouble when their names are over the title) star as Secret Service Guy and Terrorist Mastermind respectively. In order to ensure a vote against the 2nd Amendment, baddies decide to kidnap the daughter of the Supreme Court swing vote… and only Secret Service Guy and Thespian Son can stop them. In a dorm.
So remember that time Hans Gruber selected his A-Team to take over Nakatomi Tower? Yeah, he sent the B-Team to a dorm. It’s Die Hard in a Dorm! There hasn’t been a Problem of Place movie with such high stakes in decades! Imagine the thrills and chills as our heroes hide out in the library, or in a hall, or in another hall, sometimes in an elevator for a four story building, a parking garage, a third hallway, and sometimes even *gasp* in a dorm room!
You’ll be impressed by the bs tough guy dialog and the line delivery. Truly Casper Van Diem hasn’t been this big a block of wood since he took on those bugs on Klendathu. And Ryan Phillipe surely must have been a good actor at one point so you can only assume he had his macho line delivery circuits burned out. Each attempt at cool guy status results in fits of laughter.
So my review is weirdly mixed. This is definitely a bad movie… boring visually, full of exciting hallways and basements, terrible dialog, thunderously boring action scenes that they seem to want to ensure us are actually exciting, and just bizarre line delivery at weird moments. No, there’s nothing ‘good’ about this flick… yet I was thoroughly entertained for all the wrong reasons. It’s inept but in such a fun way. If I were giving it stars for how entertained I was, this turkey would get three or maybe even four. But it’s surely (85% confidence) meant to be serious and competent so it really deserves just one star. So I’ll give it an extra half because I laughed often.
If I say this is a throw-back to a bad 80s action movie (but you know, not the GOOD bad 80s action movie) and that piques your interest, you might want to check it out. If you’re the kind of person who says “Its HOW cheesetastic? I’m in!”, then check it out. Surely you’ll be be confident (80% at least) that they were taking this serious. It’s just shown up on Netflix so all you have is time to waste.
Score: 64