It’s been years since I’ve actually sat down to play D&D but I am a fantasy nerd at heart. A new D&D movie had me hopeful and early buzz had me intrigued. But I guess I’m the guy who showed up for gamenight cynical and annoyed, threw 1s on every roll, and spilled Coca-Cola all over the figurines.

The film follows Chris Pine’s bard and Michelle Rodriguez’s barbarian as they form a party of adventurers to rob the ruler of Neverwinter (played by Hugh Grant). Yes, we are firmly in the Forgotten Realms and get other locations mentioned like Baldur’s Gate, The Sword Coast, and The Underdark (not to mention displacer beasts, gelatinous cubes, and owlbears).

Too bad the movie is embarrassed by its own source material… as if they are trying to let the cool kids know they don’t take this nerd shit seriously. Did nobody tell them that the cool kids play D&D too these days?

But that’s not really my main issue with the movie. The real problem is how overstuffed and sluggish it often is. In order to emulate the “go to X and collect Y to solve for Z” fetch quest mentality of some D&D campaigns, they wind up with a flick full of busywork, drop-in NPCs, and rushed backstory. The film loses momentum and any sense of risk or urgency. I wish they’d taken a vorpal sword to the heart of this film (snicker snack)… or to be less Lewis Carroll and more D&D, that the editor rolled a nat 20 and turned in something leaner and meaner.

But the film does open well, includes fun references and cameos, and has a strong ending. Some of the jokes at its own expense are amusing and the cast sure looks like they’re having fun (even Justice Smith hangs up his emotionless robot schtick and turns in a real performance). I wish the comedy was more consistent and the action as bad-ass as they try to make it.

I really wanted to love this film. I was rooting for it, even though I was worried they were going the jokey route like the 2000 film (this is assuredly better than all earlier attempts). It’s got the budget to do it right and they nailed a cast that was game for the adventure. Yet I sat in the theater actively wondering why all this running around wasn’t more fun.

Score: 74