What happened? How can this inexplicably two hour horror film be so sluggish and boring? I’ve never been very fond of this franchise, but I cheered when Clive Barker wrestled control of the franchise back so they could stop making cheap knockoff films (which, to be fair, I haven’t seen). But I’m not sure the end result was worth the wait.

Hellraiser is a reboot? Sequel? I’m not sure since I didn’t see the last five movies and it doesn’t follow the plot of the first. But it’s about a group of twenty-somethings that stumble upon the same ol’ puzzle box and the usual hooks ‘n chains come flying, a new cast of Cenobites stand around being creepy, and there’s a lot of gore.

The first problem this has is in its first hour. The protagonist are trying to solve a mystery about what they hey is going on. But the audience already know what the hey is going on… there have been ten of these friggin’ movies. I suppose if you hadn’t seen any of them, then this will be uniquely mystifying… but perhaps because the movie seems to also assume you’ve seen some of the franchise before.

My point is, it’s a dull slog of a mystery because the audience is already ALL the steps ahead of the characters.

So they toss in some occasional Cenobite action and we get to see the new designs and new casting. And… they are ok? Two of the new cenobite designs made me laugh and cock my head to one side trying to figure out what they were going for. Not a very successful bunch of meanies… but I’m sure some of the designs in the old movies were silly too.

The final act of this film – you know, where Cenobites are threatening the souls of our heroes and ancient gods show up and all that razzmatazz? Yeah, why was it SO insanely sluggish? Things should be popping off, getting splattery, getting scary, getting gothic, getting monolithic, getting… something. But my god it just wanders and plods. I wanted it to pop my eyes open in horror as this sublime nightmare shakes the foundations of the Earth… and instead I just sat there wondering why it was such a slug.

I’ll credit it for looking good and having a budget again… it’s well produced, for sure. So, I dunno, yay for production value?

Nope… didn’t like this reboot, restart, continuation or whatever it is.

Score: 64