Marlowe is a new theatrical Liam Neeson gunmshoe movie where he plays the classic film noir detective Philip Marlowe. When the opening credits played, we get Diane Kruger and Jessica Lang’s names and I immediately wondered which one of those dames was going to be the blonde who walks into his office. It was Diane Kruger and that move intentionally launches a knowing return to film noire detective movies of the past. Except, you know, very boring.

I was baffled by the turgid pacing and bad dialog of this gumshoe flick. It moves at a constant sludge and doesn’t have whip smart, crackling dialog or lurid, cynical tough guy talk or anything that really resembles what it’s trying to emulate. Every once in a while, someone will throw out a familiar bit of classic gangster slang like “deep sixing” something… but mostly the dialog is flat and average so those attempts stick out like a sore thumb.

I’ll give Liam Neeson this much credit… at least this isn’t his usual bog standard late-career action role. He’s not playing much of a character in gumshoe Philip Marlowe, but at least the movie doesn’t feel like the half-hearted effort he’s been in over the past ten+ years. It’s a whole other level of flat… but it’s not the usual flaccid take on a modern action flick. It’s a flaccid take on a 1930s or ’40s gumshoe detector story instead. Progress!

I was so constantly bored by this flick, I couldn’t care less when they reveal whatever it is they reveal in the end. I just wanted to leave and no half-hearted attempt at eliciting the magic of Old Hollywood helped.

Score: 65