Snake Eyes: Generic Action Movie Origins is one of the most aggressively bland, non-thrilling, non-interesting, non-original pieces of media that ever crawled up out of a sewer and died of boredom. Which is to say, on the positive side, I’ve seen far worse movies… but it’s a special kind of nothing original, nothing inventive, nothing interesting. I look at this inanimate carbon rod and know that it has more personality than anything in this flick. Am I making this clear?
The man known as Snake Eyes (who doesn’t look or act like the character Snake Eyes from the GI Joe-averse) rescues a man from being assassinated by the Yakuza. In appreciation, the man invites Snake Eyes to his family compound in Japan, revealing that he’s the scion of an ancient clan of ninja protectors. So while Snake Eyes trains to become an even bigger bad-ass than he apparently already is, dark forces are assembling to steal an important relic from the Clan.
The film is the backstory of the GI Joe character Snake Eyes who is known for looking cool in his black outfit and mask and not talking. So they hired good-looking Henry Golding to play him and if you think they put him in a mask and he doesn’t talk, then you would be quite wrong. I don’t know the deep-seated lore of the GI Joe universe so I have no idea if this follows that canon… I don’t remember the cartoons well enough nor the text on the back of the blister packages. But I do vaguely recall a different backstory from one of the previous GI Joe movies. So… I guess forget what you know? Or not? Who cares.
This movie is just bland and generic. Which is weird since it has an opening action scene that is so insanely infused with hyper-shaky-cam, that I thought I was in for a special kind of bad. Something memorable. But most of the rest of the action isn’t that bad… most of it is competent enough, I guess. And the acting is fine… the sets and props are fine. There’s nothing to hang your hat on in this movie that makes it memorable in any way. So when I say it’s bad, it’s just kind of the cinematic embodiment of a shrug.
That’s a lot of negatives for a movie to get two stars though, right? But that’s just it… it’s not so bad it’s good, it’s not so bad it’s unbelievable, and it’s not so boring that I wanted to start counting ceiling tiles. I wish it had been… that’d have been something. So… yeah… it’s just a two. Two measly, boring stars.
To say I’ll forget this movie in a day is a lie. I’ve already forgotten it.
Score: 66